Dear Mr. Claus
This is the FBI here to warn you to stop stalking and touching children in inappropriate ways. Since the beginning of Christmas people have reported their children acting strange and responding to their parents questions awkwardly. But during the 1990’s it was revealed by a young child whose name shall remain anonymous that you stole his innocence from him. He quoted “Santa touched me in my no-no parts.” Since then NORAD has set up cameras to track you for the purpose of launching an aerial campaign to arrest you for your heinous acts against society. In two days we shall come to arrest you by launching a special mission called Operation Down the Chimney. If you and your misguided group of child slaves with the so called name “elves” do not surrender calmly aggressive force shall be used against you. We already have infiltrated Santa’s Magic Workshop and have found hallucinogenic drugs within the factory. We know that’s how you take advantage of the children and we have now set up marshal law across all nations on Christmas Day. You have been warned you evil sick pervert and my Christmas wish is for you to be detained forever.
From
Special Agent Jack Ryan
PS: I was a victim too!
