Letter to Santa

               

Dear Mr. Claus

This is the FBI here to warn you to stop stalking and touching children in inappropriate ways. Since the beginning of Christmas people have reported their children acting strange and responding to their parents questions awkwardly. But during the 1990’s it was revealed by a young child whose name shall remain anonymous that you stole his innocence from him. He quoted “Santa touched me in my no-no parts.” Since then NORAD has set up cameras to track you for the purpose of launching an aerial campaign to arrest you for your heinous acts against society. In two days we shall come to arrest you by launching a special mission called Operation Down the Chimney. If you and your misguided group of child slaves with the so called name “elves” do not surrender calmly aggressive force shall be used against you. We already have infiltrated Santa’s Magic Workshop and have found hallucinogenic drugs within the factory. We know that’s how you take advantage of the children and we have now set up marshal law across all nations on Christmas Day. You have been warned you evil sick pervert and my Christmas wish is for you to be detained forever.

From

Special Agent Jack Ryan

PS: I was a victim too!

My Perfect Island

My island is in the middle of the pacific ocean with lots of trees surrounding a giant metropolis. The city is governed by me and is a dictatorship. But in order to make it seem like a democracy I use words that emphasize that it is a democracy. The full name of my island is the Surpreme Most Democratic People's Republic of the Great and Most Fearless Leader Grassy Knoll or the SMDPRGMLGK. On the island we have a very strict dress code in which everyone has to wear Billabong Hoodies and black jeans like me. On our island everyone must speak like Borat so our language is a mix of Kazakh, English and Made up words like Yetsamesch. Our religion is called Knollism and everyone believes that the Great Grassy Knoll controls the both the weather and animals. Our national anthem is "Grassy How We Love You So: and our motto is "In Knoll We Trust". All radio channels must play good rock music or metal music. Any Pop or Rap music being played shall be punished by public hanging. Our public education system omits subjects such as Drawing and Painting which hurt the artistically challenged. Our national food is Prime Rib and Peppercorn subs made from Quiznos. Our nation also serves as an alternate stadium for the Vancouver Canucks who never seem to use it because they say "our nation isn't democratically safe". Also cellphones have been banned because no one likes texts at 3:00AM. Our island is very peaceful mostly because no one is able to leave and talk about what really goes on here. Our nation is very tolerant but all political opponents shall be sentenced to imprisonment for life. So pledge allegance to the Great and Most Fearless Grassy Knoll today or else.

Artistic Expression

In my opinion the story the author was trying to express focused on a woman having to overcome great obstacles. My reason for believing this is that the song is called This Woman's Work and because during the dance the woman falls down a lot and her facial expression makes her look like she is struggling. The author I think was trying to convey that women have to deal with more stress in their lives then men do. When the woman fell down while dancing with the man, I think the author was trying to convey the pain and sadness of losing love. I also think the dance was expressing how the woman might have also been living in a society in which men have more power. The story I think overall was trying to portray a depressing feeling that ends in sadness and sorrow.

My Superpower

 One lazy Monday morning I woke up and found myself looking in the mirror and looking into the eyes of a gorilla. I began to freak out and then two minutes later I looked in the mirror again and I realized that there was just me and all of a sudden my body changed into that of a donkey. I then turned into more animal forms and eventually I finally changed back to my normal human form. I was excited to have this power because I could be any animal I wanted to be and if I couldn’t climb a tree I could change into a monkey and if someone was angering me I could turn into a lion. So when I got to school I immediately decided I would do some evil and dastardly acts ha ha ha! To start in PE when we were playing football I knocked over everyone and scored every touchdown when I transformed into an elephant. In math whenever I got a question wrong I would turn into a tiger and threaten to eat the entire class. By lunch break I had control over the whole school with my powers being unstoppable. That’s when a genie came to me and told me that he had granted me this wish and told me that if I did not use this power responsibly he would send someone to destroy me. I just laughed at him and began to tell the principal to send out my ransom note of $1,000,000 for the safety of the whole school. But just as the final period of the day began I heard a bang in the hallways and I turned into a rhinoceros and began to search the halls for the disturbance. Police had begun to swarm the building trying to capture me. I charged them down and the entire force sent to bring me in had been defeated in only 5 minutes. That’s when the genie appeared again and said I had defied him for the final time and just as I saw my classmate Trevor walking by, a bright light had been cast over him. I looked at him again and found that he had been turned into the world’s most powerful weapon: Chuck Norris. I transformed into a spider monkey to dodge the roundhouse kicks being sent towards me, but one hit me directly on my forehead. I got back up and transformed into a snake and slithered around the transformed Trevor and I bit him in the neck. Finally I realized I would have to turn into the world’s most annoying animal: the pigeon. I began to repeatedly take a crap on Trevor`s head. Trevor franticly grabbed at me and eventually got me by the neck and began to strangle me. I turned quickly into my normal human form and said `wait stop I give up I was wrong to do what I did`. Trevor wasn`t buying it and began to roundhouse kick me repeatedly until the bell went. The next day I woke up in hospital and I was informed that I had lost all my powers. I cried for a while after learning I was being sentenced to 25 years of jail for the murder of six police officers, causing acts of terrorism and treason against the nation. But I would be relieved of my punishment after Trevor walked into the room in Chuck Norris form and promised to end my life.

My Excuse

One Friday in September I was walking over to math class and realized I had not finished my homework that was supposed to be finished last night. I was freaking out because I had never had any incomplete homework before. I needed to come up with an good quick excuse. Then I thought up the most insane idea ever that would surely get me out of having to show my homework. So I headed to the washroom and pulled out a pair of scissors and stabbed my stomach with them. The pain was terrible yet slowly I walked outside and headed to Portable 1. My teacher had a cow, blood seeping from my shirt she asked me in a shrill voice "who did this to you". I quickly thought up a name and said "Connor John". It was the first name that came to my head and unfortunately it was also the name of my friend too. The teacher called 911 and an ambulance came to pick me up as well as two police officers. As I was heading into the ambulance I saw Connor sprinting out of the school with the cops behind him in pursuit. One tazered Connor and then as Connor slowly got up slammed him against the hood of the police cruiser. The cop yelled in his ear "your going away for a long time you little delinquent". I couldn't allow Connor to deal with the punishment  so I said "wait it wasn't his fault it was actually...Trevor Vestergaard"! I then told them how Connor tried to stop Trevor from stabbing me but was unsucsseful and was going after him in pursuit. The cops believed it and Connor had no memory of the incident from the injury he sustained while being slammed against the hood of the police cruiser. My ruse was successful and I finished my homework, Connor was considered a hero for his actions and Trevor was facing 10 years in juvie. That was by far the best excuse ever made!

Hyena Attack

On Sunday I was taking a very casual morning walk down Shaugnessy Street. While on my walk I noticed some rabid hyenas approaching from the opposite side of the street. Next thing I know they cross the street in front of me and surround me with my back against the wall of the Dairy Queen. I didn't know what the heck to do so I looked in my neon green fanny pack for some weapons. All I found were two band-aids, a granola bar and surprisingly enough a leopard print thong. I was freaking out but in those moments I realized that I had to play it cool and wait for my chance to strike. I pulled out my granola bar and calmly began to chew it and I whispered "make a move". One of the hyenas ran at me and I ripped off my fanny pack and began to viciously beat the hyena with it. I kept hitting it with the fanny pack and went all out like Kratos in the game God of War. Eventually after twenty more hits the beast lay dead and the other hyenas were getting nervous. Finally another hyena began to run at me and I back flipped over it like a ninja. I then pulled out the thong and begin to strangle the other hyena. The second hyena had no chance and it too was dead. Then the entire pack charged at me and began to scratch and bite me and I yelled for help. Suddenly I noticed Trevor and Chuck Norris walking down the street together. I signalled them and they ran at the hyenas. Both Trevor and Chuck began to roundhouse kick the ones that were left. I thanked them and then they left to go roundhouse kick more animals.

I patched up my wounds with the two band-aids I had. They were not enough though because I began to lose a lot of blood. I headed to a pay phone and called 911. I went to the hospital and got a rabies shot and some stitches. It was a weird and surprising day but it was very interesting too.

If I Was a Cartoon Character

If I could be any cartoon character I would be Randy Marsh father of Stan Marsh from South Park.

If I was Randy Marsh I would be a very sociable and outgoing character who would spend most of my time doing activities besides my job. These would include playing World of Warcraft when I'm at work, getting in fights with other father's at my son's baseball games and many other idiotic activities. I would also be a very caring parent towards my son Stan and being very involved in his life by making sure he adds his grandmother on Facebook and helping him cheat on his Pinewood Derby car by adding in a part of the Large Hadron Collider.

In my spare time I would go to the Drunken Clam and hang out with other cartoon characters like Fred Flinstone, Optimus Prime and Brian Griffin. We would spend the day talking about work (if we did work at all) and our every day adventures. I would hang out with Fred Flinstone because he is an underdog type of guy who I could really connect with. I would hang out with Optimus Prime because every group needs a tough guy and he can transform into a truck so he could drive me around wherever I feel like going. Brian Griffin would also be an awesome person to hang out with because he has Liberal political views like me and because he is an intelligent dog who I could have long conversations with. If I was linked romantically with any cartoon character it would be with Randy's wife Sharon. I wouldn't be involved with any other cartoon character because I am not an unfaithful person unlike cartoon characters such as Glenn Quagmire.

I see myself going on crazy adventures usually started by Stan and his friends as well as adventures parodying something political or involving a crazy celebrity. I also see myself going on adventures with my cartoon friends like Optimus Prime and Brian Griffin. These would include battling the Decepticons and going on a road trip with Brian and his friend Stewie. My adventures would usually end up with me getting the ridicule of my son Stan who would think I am being an idiot.

That is how I would see myself in the cartoon universe.